The Pumpkin Juice Incident
by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
Summary: AU. After someone spikes the pumpkin juice, Hogwarts prefect Hermione tries to get to the bottom of it, while Harry, Hogwarts own Godfather, does his own investigating. Seer!Luna, Enforcer!Dobby,OnStrike!elves and more. Crack!fic. WIP ON HOLD


**Title: The Pumpkin Juice Incident**

**Author: TardisIsTheOnlyWaytoTravel**

**Setting: Harry's the leader of Hogwart's underground drug trade with Dobby as his enforcer and Luna his second-in-command. After someone spikes the pumpkin juice Harry tries to find out who was responsible. Meanwhile Luna is predicting the future; Hermione Granger, Hogwarts' greatest mind and prefect to boot is on the same mission as Harry and perilously close to discovering the truth about the Hogwarts drug trade; and just to cap it all off, Hogwarts' house elves have been goaded into going on strike…**

**Some resemblance to canon for the first four books, absolutely AU after that.**

**Author notes:**_ This is a response to _TheColdestTouch_'s _'Make-Your-Own-Challenge Challenge' _on fanfictionalley. I chose to write a fic containing the following elements:_

_2) Harry has an underground drug trade going on in Hogwarts, in which his subjects refer to him as "The Godfather";_

_8) Dobby has an unnatural obsession with our hero;_

_16) Luna starts predicting things that come true. It's usually just moments before the thing happens. It scares the crap out of everyone else;_

_19) Someone spiked the pumpkin juice. Madness and table dancing ensues;_

_23) The house elves go on strike, provoked by Hermione's drastic efforts. _

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**PROLOGUE**

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Harry Potter, no matter what his relatives said, was an unusually intelligent boy. By the age of nine he could calculate twenty-seven percent of three hundred and thirty-nine, spell 'barbiturate' and 'diphtheria' and perform the Heimlich manoeuvre, as well as how to do rather more useful things such as tell when Uncle Vernon was in a particularly bad mood and or render himself unnoticeable. Possibly the most useful product of his intelligence, however, was his appraising eye which allowed him to instantly discern and take advantage of any situation that could possibly bring him any benefit.

Shortly after beginning grade four, Harry was being beaten up by his cousins' unwieldy gang when he was rescued by a mean-looking man with several piercing who told his tormentors to piss off or get knifed. Harry's new acquaintance turned out to be a drug-dealer; the two got on so well that the next week saw Harry making several deliveries to the local state school on behalf of his new friend, for a small fee of course. Harry's young age and innocent looks were the perfect disguise, and fairly soon Harry became a familiar sight at Stonewall High, selling dope and ice for his cut of twenty dollars a week. Harry hid the money in a hole in the wall of the cupboard where he slept, and every now and then used the carefully-saved cash to buy treats, or books.

By the time that Harry was almost eleven years old, he had fifteen hundred dollars stuffed in the hole in the wall, and a surprisingly large collection of books under his bed – "_A Wrinkle in Time_," by L'Engle, several advanced mathematics and science texts, the entire collection of _Chrestomanci_ novels, two _Horrible Histories_ books (one on the ancient Romans, the other on the Second World War), "_Pegasus In Space_" by McCaffrey and a copy of Shakespeare's "_Macbeth_", as well as an Oxford dictionary and thesaurus. Every so often Harry collected the older books and donated them to a local charity, partly so that he had room for new books but also out of the knowledge that not everyone has the money for books.

Harry himself was due to begin at Stonewall High as soon as the summer ended, while his obnoxious cousin Dudley was going to the prestigious Smeltings Academy, as Aunt Petunia kept pointing out every morning in a way that made Dudley smile smugly and puff out his chest. Harry didn't mind; everyone at Stonewall knew him, and going to school there would give him a chance to increase his sale rate and hopefully his profits. He felt that it would be excellent preparation for later when he began his career as a cat burglar. One has to start small, after all.

As it happened, Harry ended up going to school somewhere else instead. He was quite surprised to discover that he was a wizard, although not so much to discover that his relatives had kept it a secret from him. The giant man who had explained all this to him seemed to expect him to attend wizard school, to which Harry was quite agreeable; this magic thing looked to be quite useful, and he was always happy to expand his circle of contacts. It was a little annoying that he turned out to be famous in the wizard's world, as his activities would no doubt get more scrutiny than he liked, but that too would probably turn out to be useful.

Harry said goodbye to Scar and regretfully cancelled their arrangement, and cheerfully headed off to Hogwarts. A big school like this probably had quite a few potential customers; all he had to do was find out what wizards liked to get hooked on. The tattered old hat that put them into houses wasn't quite sure that this was a good idea, but remarked that it was proof-positive that he was meant for Slytherin.

"_No way_," Harry told it. "_I'm not going there. I've heard what everyone says about that house. It'd be like putting a 'WANTED' sign on my back! Put me somewhere else or I'll go back to selling dope at Stonewall._"

So with a shout of "GRYFFINDOR!" Harry found himself in a house, with a group of cheerful potential friends and customers. Harry soon had a personal network of acquaintances spread out through all the age groups, looking for potential profit opportunities. He met a couple of possible partners-in-crime; twins Fred and George had been planning a career in the joke business, but hey, drug-running was alright, and they needed some starting capital anyway. Later that year Harry accidentally discovered a plot to resurrect the Dark Lord that had caused the last war and scotched it; after all, war makes people suspicious, particularly cops, and suspicious cops are bad for business. This also sealed Harry's reputation as a hero, which didn't hurt. Life was good.

Second year Harry' began setting up his organization, making sure his people completely infiltrated the school. Professors schedules and habits were observed, school rules were examined for loopholes, secret passageways and entrances were sought out. The twins generously donated The Marauders' Map, a map of the school that showed the location of every person within, as well as the passwords to all the secret passageways. This helped their efforts considerably. One of the fifth years put Harry in touch with his uncle, who owned a shop in Knockturn Alley; the man was obliging enough to tell Harry how to contact various dealers, whom Harry soon began negotiating with.

Unfortunately the year was marred by yet another… _event_, which turned out to be a basilisk being controlled by none other than his old enemy, Voldemort, although this time in a considerably younger form. Harry managed to kill the whopping great snake and kill the younger Voldemort, with some assistance from the headmaster's pet phoenix. It usually eyed him askance, but he supposed that it had decided to help him in the name of the greater good.

Harry made a nice profit that year; apparently basilisk parts were worth a lot on the black market. It seemed that their use was meant to be monitored by the authorities, what with basilisk organs being dangerous and all, but Harry figured that since he had been the one risking his life to kill the basilisk, what he did with it now was no one else's business. Harry also got himself an enforcer that year, an oddball of a house elf named Dobby, who swore loyalty to Harry after Harry freed him.

Third year Harry was allowed to visit Hogsmeade village on weekends (thanks to a little 'encouraging' of his uncle, courtesy of two twins eager to test out their inventions) and the Hogwarts drug scheme was able to begin in earnest. Harry would buy a package ever Hogwarts visit, as would his henchmen, and later store it in the Chamber of Secrets in preparation for resale to the students. Luna Lovegood, an odd Ravemclaw second year, came up to Harry and informed him that she wanted to be his second-in-command. Harry was rather taken-aback by this - after all, no one was supposed to know that he was the 'Godfather' - but agreed. Luna proved to be a valuable asset despite her quirky ways, and her very eccentricity ensured that no one paid any attention to her activities no matter how suspicious they were. Later that year Harry ran into an excaped convict, Sirius Black, who told Harry that he was in fact Harry's godfather and that he had been wrongfully imprisoned for betraying Harry's parents to the Dark Lord, by the real traitor, Peter Pettigrew. Sure enough, one of the rats in the Gryffindor common-room turned out to be none other than the treacherous wimp; his spreadeagled body was found lued to the floor of the Ministry of Magic's atrium the next day, along with the message 'PETTIGREW REAL TRAITOR! BLACK INNOCENT!' Sadly, this wasn't enough to have Sirius declared innocent; but no one minded too much, as Sirius was quite happy to begin a new career as the Godfather's right hand man, and had a great deal of fun helping Harry expand their plans for operation.

Fourth year, Harry's plans were derailed slightly when he was selected as a competitor in an itner-school competition in a most irregular fashion. He dealt with this by flat-out refusing to compete.

"No way," he said firmly. "It's a plot. Death Eaters. Or nutters, or something. I absolutely refuse to go to all the trouble of updating my insurance policy that entering this thing would cause. I didn't enter my name in this, and I absolutely refuse to participate. Got a problem, go speak to my lawyer." At first the various officials were rather stubborn, but once Mr Frankenbaum pointed out that having not entered himself in the competition Harry had no obligation to participate, and that now he thought about it, the very fact that Harry's name had been entered without his consent in the first place was a violation of his free rights, and rendered the competition officials open to civil actions... well, things improved greatly after that.

Harry ended up being quite glad that he had refused to participate; the winning student vanished without trace during the tournament, his body only being found a week later after extensive searching, when a couple of muggles stumbled across it in a graveyard. according to the Ministry young Mr Diggory had been the victim of a tragic portkey accident, and for good measure reminded the public that creating a portkey without a license is illegal and will subject you to a fifteen-galleon fine.

Yet despite the occasional 'incident', and the unfortunate summers he spent with his relatives, Harry's life went well. Then fifth year came, and everything went pear-shaped.


End file.
